Marriage

When your husband cooks for you – Joining the ‘Men who cook’ club again.

23/10/2018 By Savanna Robinson Leave a Comment

Tonight my husband cooked us dinner. Now in most households, this might not be such big news. Men who cook- what’s new? Well with my husband he has cooked for us maybe 4 times in the last 6 ½ years I’ve known him. And 2 of those have been in the last couple of weeks. Plus when your husband cooks for you and helps relieve some of the strain of the household duties it is such a wonderful feeling!

You see, in his past relationships his partners have criticised his attempts at cooking and ridiculed him for any efforts made as not good enough. He even had dishes thrown at him as they were not good enough in her eyes.

For someone with chronic depression, this was not great. My husband was made to think through this constant negative reinforcement that he was unable to cook. So he believed it was true for many years.

With a lot of sessions with his psychologist and a lot of encouragement from me, he finally decided to try again. Mostly to start helping me out as a partner should, but also to prove to himself that he could do it.

You may know a lot of men who cook and happily do so. But it has been very trying to live with someone whose answer to being called upon to arrange a meal is to say “Let’s get take out”. This might be okay every so often, but I don’t know a single family whose finances could stretch to do that all the time!

Even the favourite Aussie male past time of barbecuing hasn’t enticed him to cook more than one meal before. So tonight I celebrated that he has now created a dish in the Thermomix (with some back up from me on what things meant in the recipe) and his all-time favourite dish of spaghetti bolognese.

He may still call me to ask how some things are done. But he is slowly building back up that confidence to know he belongs to that group of men who cook once more. And I love that he is doing that! Maybe I will add a few cookbooks on to his Christmas wish list.

Come see more posts about life with my husband here.

And let me know in the comments how you feel when your husband cooks for you!

Living with depression in marriage- Depression and relationships can it work?

Living with depression in marriage- Depression and relationships can it work?

12/06/2018 By Savanna Robinson 2 Comments

Being in a relationship with a partner who has depression is tough. Depression and relationships can work, but it takes a lot of work from both people. And depression in marriage can be slightly tougher if you hold the view of being there for your other half through sickness and health seriously. This is my own view on how depression can affect relationships and what it’s like actually being married to someone with depression.

Depression can be a huge thing to admit to with your partner. It’s your brain constantly having dark thoughts, and nothing from your usual life being able to lift you back up out of that darkness. The chemical imbalance of the brain just will not allow any good thoughts in at that time. It can change you from a loving caring partner, to the nastiest piece of work out there. And to a lot of men, that can be so humiliating that they have little control over that.

My husband Steve has chronic depression. He’s had it for over 20 years. And it seems to originate from an incident of being assaulted and being critically injured at that time. Since then he’s been on various medications to help with depression, anxiety and impulse control. He sees various medical professionals that help him in dealing with this condition- psychologist, psychiatrist, and his regular doctor. But quite often he can be forgetful and not attend booked appointments which can lead to a long wait for a new appointment date.

It is chronic depression as it is ongoing and unlikely to be cured by any means. It’s trying to manage the worst of the symptoms and let him live as normal a life as possible. Because some days just getting out of bed itself can be a challenge for someone with depression.

If your partner is on medication, it is so crucial to your relationship that they take it as prescribed by the doctor and take it regularly. This can be hindered by other behaviours at times too, such as not coming home regularly at night (or at all). But if it’s not taken as prescribed, it can’t do its job. This is a big issue with my husband- he’s started medication for impulse control, but it needed a higher dose as wasn’t working well enough. But then he doesn’t come home on time to be taking it and getting enough weeks of it into his system to stop the impulsive behaviours.

It’s important to work together on triggers that make the depression worse. Your partner might not notice the behaviours that lead up to bad episodes, but you certainly will after a few times. Note these down for them to talk about with you or a psychologist, so strategies can be formulated to work on those in the future. Some triggers that might be causing issues are special occasions (birthdays, Christmas, etc), toxic relationships with others, big life events.

You could witness a whole range of behaviours come out due to depression. Ones that are common here are avoidance of talking to me, panic attacks, obsession over things like football and hobbies, gambling, suicidal or bad thoughts and running away to a place to think (or overthink as they tend to do).

Know that times in any relationship can get tough. And with depression, this is probably an absolute guarantee. The statistics of couples staying together with unmanaged depression in the mix can be frightening. When your partner isn’t pulling their weight in your marriage or relationship for an extended period, and exhibiting all sorts of behaviours that are not socially acceptable, you may want to throw in the towel. And many, many people do. Hence why opening up to others about their depression can be so difficult to sufferers. They are afraid of getting close, hurting someone else, and then feeling worse in themselves. And then the cycle repeats itself.

If you do need to step away from the situation (for a few minutes or a permanent break), don’t be afraid of the excuses either. To help support your partner, you need to be looking after yourself too. Don’t let their problems eat away at you and become your problems too. Take time out to relax from managing issues with them. Take care of your own health and the rest of your family. And if it all becomes too much, let them know about it and go talk to someone who can help you decide if it’s in your best interests to stay or go.

But know that if you do stick around with your partner, they are grateful that you can look beyond the illness, the behaviours and love the person they can be. They love that you are a strong person they can depend upon to support them through the difficult times. And maybe you’ll be able to help out others thinking of whether living with depression in marriage is for them.

If you or your partner are showing signs of depression and need some help, here are a few resources available in Australia. Lifeline Australia is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing a personal crisis with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. And Beyond Blue provides information and support to help everyone in Australia achieve their best possible mental health, whatever their age and wherever they live.

Come and see more of my posts about marriage here.

7 different ways to spoil your Valentine without flowers

7 different ways to spoil your Valentine without flowers

13/02/2018 By Savanna Robinson 5 Comments

Whether you are married, have been together for years or just dating, Valentine’s Day can be an expensive occasion! The price of gifts and flowers goes up for the day, far above the usual costs. But not everyone can afford to get rich, lavish bouquets of flowers year after year, and all the extras on top, plus a night out somewhere fancy. (Especially if you have a lot of birthdays around end of January and February like our little family). So I’ve put together a few ideas for those who want different ways to spoil your Valentine without flowers.

Have a Picnic

Here in Australia, Valentine’s Day is at the end of summer, so quite warm still. Pack together a picnic hamper and take your Valentine out to a favourite location -a park, the beach, etc. We love going to our local lagoon and watching the ducks and swans whilst we sit on a rug.

Cook a favourite meal

Does your loved one have a favourite dish that you can create at home? Why not spend the night in, cooking it together. Put out the fancy dinnerware, open a bottle of wine and throw in some flowers from the garden. Or those romantic candles you never get a chance to use except in power outages. A nice romantic dinner for two, that you have both helped create can be delightful! Or a breakfast with just the two of you!

Experiences

Try something new with your Valentine. Arrange for a horse riding outing, a hot air balloon ride or take a trip to somewhere you’ve never been before. New adventures can help sustain that spark you have for each other, rather than being stuck in the same boring old routine all the time.

Pamper Session

Whether you get your Valentine a pamper session at the local salon or some DIY products for use at home, pampering is always appreciated! Ladies and gents all need a little bit of time to unwind and relax after the busy lives we live these days! I love it when my husband helps fuel my love for Jamberry wraps and other beauty experiences.

See a Movie

Find out a current movie your Valentine is keen to go to, and organise tickets to go with them for a session. (And be sure to not critique or ask constant questions during the movie!)

Make your own Slideshow

Using photos of your Valentine, create a digital slideshow or album for them. Let them know which moments you’ve enjoyed having with them.

The gift of Time

Sometimes all our partner wants is a bit of time spent with you, their partner. Time that isn’t taken up with worrying about the kids, the mortgage or how work has been. So set aside some time to just be the two of you together.

Now, I still personally won’t say no to the flowers if they turn up on Valentine’s Day. But I’d also love if some of these other activities were thrown into the mix. I do enjoy knowing that my husband loves me and wants to spoil me in any way he can. If you have any ideas of different ways to spoil your Valentine without flowers, comment below.

How my hubby can drive me insane

18/07/2017 By Savanna Robinson 2 Comments

The problem

My husband has a secret habit. It’s not the worst habit he could have, but it is entirely devastating to my winter wardrobe. You see my husband can drive me insane simply by pinching and wearing my socks! My socks!

If that isn’t enough to drive you insane then this surely will. He has great big man feet! He pulls on my little ladies socks (okay, maybe not so little at ladies size 9 Au, but smaller than his), and the sock is forever stretched, never to return to its original size again. Never! And try as I might, they just will not fit right any more…falling down into my shoes, instead of sitting where good socks do.

Maybe if I was a better 1950s wife and always had his socks matched up in his drawer ready to go, this wouldn’t happen. He’d have every pair in there ready to do, instead of in the washing baskets in the lounge room because it’s his job to fold his own darn socks!

But instead of that situation, we have this one. One where I go to find my pair of new black socks that I knew I got off the line yesterday. Yet one is missing from the basket. In all likelihood said sock has made it into his suitcase for a trip to Melbourne, never to be seen by me again.

Attempts at solving the problem

Now I’ve tried a few methods to try and keep my socks safe. Made sure all mine went straight in my sock drawer. Nope! He just pinches a pair from there when he can’t find a match. Buying big safety pins to clip his together in the wash. But he’s not organised to do that last thing at night when he takes his socks off. I’ve even bought socks with pink/purple accents so he could tell they were mine. He doesn’t look. And doesn’t really care. He will wear any socks! Even my knee length frilly pair! Stretched! Gone to sock heaven! No wonder he can drive me insane.

The not-so-perfect solution

Of course I still love him to pieces! It would just be nice if my socks could last one season! I think I’m resigned to the fact he will always lose his socks (and mine). Maybe I should just throw out all the old unmatched ones and make a new start of it. With a brand new husband proof lock on my sock drawer to lessen the chance of him being able to drive me insane.

What things does your husband/partner do that drive you crazy? Comment below! Surely mine isn’t the only thing to do silly things like this!

For some more stories about our marriage – click here.

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